Wednesday, April 13, 2005
christine <$BlogItemDateTime$>
all she wants is to go home. to dry her eyes. broken inside.
guess where i am now? guess u wouldnt know. i've got my exams coming up in a month. mid years. my tuition has increased to 8 times a week now. chinese 3 times. maths twice. physics twice. chem one. after mid years it'll be more relaxed, of cos.. i practice my maths on a daily basis now. good for me. i have to study for myself. not even for my tutor. sigh. all she can think of is my grades too. not the effort i actually put in. i went to the doctor. he said im suffering from burn out. he told me to sleep more. he says im too tired. i know. i feel really tired too. im gonna crash. i wont give up on my studies. i just feel kinda defeated. but i'll still study. i'll study harder. i'll back up on my life. i'll push myself out of the hole i created. i'll go to school. i wont be late. i wont miss class. i'll do well in school and get good grades.
have you ever felt what it's like to have your heart shattered into a million pieces?
i have.
he was my first true love. i loved him with all my heart. too bad i realized it only after he was gone. i cant believe i still love him. its been 7 months since we broke up. yet i still think of him. i still cry over him. i miss him. one thing i wish i could say to you .. "if i love you this much and im not the one for you..then the one for you will be everything i am and everything im not". and believe it.
and you. its like history's repeating itself. i know it wont be as bad as *him. but do you even know how it feels to actually feel pain in your heart? a thumping pain like a knife just pierced it? with each word you said, as i held on to the life line, i felt myself drifting miles away from you. you're angry with me. you're disappointed in me. im utterly disgusting. im just like her. them. your past.
i guess u'll be happier with her. i dunno what to say to u anymore either. sometimes you dont listen to me. i dont mean like "you listen to me!!!" that kinda listen. its ike.. you dont listen to what im really saying. you go the wrong way and end up smashing my heart. once again. sometimes i just wish you could treat me like someone real. a person with feelings. not a little girl crying over her grades. im not blaming you for anything. you wouldnt even read this. you dont even know my blog. you hate blogs remember? you told me why should i put my whole life on the internet?
you're the first person i think about. and the last person i dream about. but i mean nothing to you. i know i dont. you care alot for me, yes. but i guess now you dont. i know i went too far. i pushed the limits. i did things that i shouldnt have.
i know you cant forgive me. sigh. i hope she can make you happy. seems like she's the only one that can. i know i'll never live up to her. you dont have to tell me.
but i just have one thing to say to you, and its that i love you.
im not asking for anything back. i know u wouldnt give anyway. what's the point of everything. what's the point of anything?
-rejected.sad.hurt.-
with loves; christine
12:29 PM
