Monday, June 20, 2005
dear diary..
just now i was looking at the pictures and videos that i took with my best friends in new zealand.. i really miss them so much.. they were the kind of friends i've been looking for my whole life.. they stayed by my side, they accepted me for who i was, they stood up for me, they cared for me, they supported me, they inspired me, they motivated me, they talked to me, they really listened to me, they cared about me.. they cared about my life..
do u know how difficult it is to care for someone when they're on the verge of suicide ? when they are constantly crying? yet they stood by me and loved me.. no one has ever done that for me before.. my friends stood by me through the hardest period of my entire life.. and i say my entire life.. u know u see movies in the united states about how when people go through a tough time and when they go back to school people call them a freak? that didnt happen to me at all.. new zealand was such a caring society.. they really cared about my life.. the only things that mattered to me were my friends and *him.. he kept me going.. he talked to me.. he made me laugh.. he made me happy.. whenever i saw him online.. i felt safe.. i remember once i needed to talk to him so badly.. i was so heartbroken over -------- and i called him and he talked to me.. i felt so blessed that someone like him watched over me.. he made me understand many things that i was confused and upset over in my life.. he saved me from myself.. he gave me my life back.. in nz, i cried everywhere. in school, at home, in the toilet, while watching tv, before sleeping, in the morning, while walking, in the car, anywhere. whenever i thought about * i would just cry. i lost my pride as i just broke down. i cried because i didnt know what else to do.. what could i do? nothing. all i did was cry because i was sad.. my friends understood though.. they hugged and cared for me.. when i came back from hospital, i was scared that some people might attack me but many people in school showed how much they cared for me.. some girls i thought hated me came up to me and told me that my life was important and that i shouldnt do stupid things.. they even hugged me.. people didnt stare at me or anything like that.. they knew why i went to hospital.. they knew i tried to -- but they didnt know the reason.. some people guessed and there were alot of rumours but none of them bothered me or my friends.. it wasnt really bad rumours.. just that people wanted to know what happened.. i received alot of care.. and it made me realize that there are good people in the world that really care about me..
whenever someone cries in class or stuff like that, the teachers will ask them if they want to go to the "timeout room" which is a room in the counselling block where u can cry or sort your thoughts out.. i cried so often that i was sent there most of the time.. the day before i was sent to the hospital i was sent to see rodger, my school counsellor. as i sat outside waiting for him, i almost started crying again. just as my eyes started to water, rodger came out. this time when he came out to see me, he had a look on his face i had never seen before. his face was ashen and full of concern. he looked at me and said, almost softly, "christine.. how are u?" i told him i was fine and happy with life. i was pretty much used to lying since all anyone asked me was if i was okay. it showed that i obviously wasnt but i didnt feel a need to tell them that. rodger looked at me the whole time and asked how things were doing at home.. i kept my head down the whole time and answered him 1 word answers. nothing mattered to me anymore. who cared about my life? i loved my friends, but i was hurting too much.. all i wanted was for it to end.. that morning of the start of the horrible night.. my mother slapped me.. i remember.. going online was my last source of comfort there.. besides my friends, when i went online in that room, i had all the time to myself.. i spent hours online.. listening to music.. talking.. just finding myself.. that morning when she realized i had been online the whole night.. she slapped me.. she hit me.. i remember the look on her face and in her eyes.. but how could she have hit me.. of all people, my family was the one that had seen me break down the most.. or maybe not see me cry but she knew i was going to ---- myself.. i knew she had cried for me, prayed for me.. but that morning she went too far.. of all things, she pushed me right over the limit.. after that i went to my room and slept untill about 7pm.. then my mother ordered me to go out and eat dinner.. she put a place of kway teow with vegetables on the table and forced me to eat it . i started crying and wanted to take some out but she told me that she had already put very little on my plate and she wanted me to eat it. it was crazy. i cried, i stared at her, and i had to force the horrible things down my throat. i could feel myself getting fatter as i ate. i couldnt finish the plate though. i stared at her and told her i couldnt finish. then she ordered me to sit there so i couldnt go to the bathroom to throw up. what the hell? i was so pissed with her, if i had a gun at that moment, i would have killed myself. the next day i was sent to hospital. it was horrible. i was placed in the maximum security ward. only about 6 to 7 people were in there. since i m a PR of nz, the hospital was free. they could keep me there for as long as they wanted, under the NZ law. i made some friends in there.. the people in there are really so sad.. one of my friends was raped.. that was why she was there.. it was awful.. i tried not to cry in there because if they know u are sad or depressed, they will make u stay in there longer. one of the other friends i made had already been there for 2 months. let me tell u, the longer u stay in there, the more crazy u'll become. u have nothing to do inside. eat, sleep, watch tv. people there dont read. what for? all they want to do is kill themselves. i did get out of hospital, thank god. but i was so frightened after that. i was sad. but i was grateful for the people around me. it was like.. i had this china friend called rulin.. she was really quiet the first day i sat down next to her and made friends with her, but as time passed by, we became really good friends.. although she didnt know what happened to me and had tried to guess many times what happened (i never told her), if i broke down next to her during class, i would hide my face in between my elbows so that no one could see my tears. most of my teachers noticed, but my friend would pass me a tissue and hug me. my friends tried to cheer me up alot.. i really appreciate all they have done for me.. they watched me cry.. they let me cry.. and they listened to my pain.. and that was how i healed.. it took me such a long time.. a slow and painful process.. but i did.. i remember before i was sent to hospital, one day during lunch break i was crying, and my friends were sitting around me.. angela told me "u'll get through this christine.. u'll get through it" and i looked at her tearfully and told her i wouldnt make it.. when i saw her in march 2005, she told me with a smile "u see christine.. u did make it" .. u'll never find a girl like her anywhere.. its like.. the people i met in nz arent people that go online and chat with u to make u feel better.. they are there.. in real life.. they're REALITY.. they are the friends that will go to your house to make sure u dont do anything stupid.. they are the real friends that will hug u and tell u everythings gonna be alright when u feel all alone.. they dont leave u alone.. if i didnt know them in real life and i talked to them on msn, i would think they're fake, but its so not true. its because they're there in real life. they really live life. they really care for one another. even though i was very very sad in new zealand, i learned to know the girl inside me. i love him alot.. i love my friends alot..
i spent alot of time in new zealand thinking.. about my life.. about me.. i found me.. i can finally understand the "man in the mirror" .. when i was alone in the hospital, i was frightened and i didnt know what to do.. i had to experience many things that i hope i never experience again.. the repeated injections.. the crying.. the screaming.. i starved myself so badly that my friends could not recongnie me.. i was labelled as a anorexic.. i threw up at first, and when i threw up, i forced everything out of my stomach.. until i was sure the only thing left inside was saliva.. then i didnt eat after that.. i exercised some.. but i starved myself.. they say how if u starve urself the weight will go back? well how about u starve yourself for 6 months to a year? my story about my eating isnt over.. but i learned how to love myself.. i learned how to care for myself.. i learned that ultimately it is my life .. no one will care for me as much as i care for myself.. i had to look out for myself.. i let myself grow.. and i let myself heal.. it seems so easy to just type words but when u experience it then u type it, its a whole different story. this is maybe the longest blog i've ever done but its worth it. when i looked at the vidoes and the pictures, i look at the way i smiled.. the way they made me smile. my friends are everything to me. they helped me get through what i went through in real life. they were there for me . in school. at my home. they loved me. they are the true friends everyone wants, and im the lucky one that got to know 3 amazing people. not just 3, but many other people that played a part in saving my life. i love the 3 girls in my life. they will always be my best friends. i love you girls. we'll always be friends forever.. as for him.. i love him because he cared for me like no one else did, he didnt know me, i wasnt related to him at all, i was just a person that was lucky enough to be cared for by him.. to be loved by him.. he is the guy i've always wanted.. more than i've dreamed for.. i love him alot.. he was there at the lowest point of my life too.. that, to me, is very important.. when u are at the lowest point in your life, the person that helps u will mean the most to u.. he made me believe i was someone worth living because he cared for me.. he made me happy.. he was the first guy i ever saw that behaved the way he did, thought the way he did. he is amazing. he still cares for me, and is still the sweet and admirable guy i knew right from the beginning. i owe my life to him. its raining now. its nice that way. he saved my life. he held on. i started to love myself because other people loved me. im so grateful for everything i've learned in new zealand, and im so grateful i met you. i love you. i love my friends. and because of all your love, i can love myself now. =)
with loves; christine
2:18 AM
